The Neutral Zone

Hello. We're the Romulans... remember us? We don't actually have anything to do in this episode, but hey, don't you just love our awesome Warbird!

Riker is mooning about on the bridge, still too beardless to sit comfortably in the big chair, when they find a piece of derelict space junk. He's absurdly disinterested, but fortunately Data is curious enough to nip over and discover some frozen skeletons and human popsicles. They defrost them and discover that they're all from the late twentieth century. Meanwhile, Picard returns to the Enterprise to report that outposts along the Neutral Zone have been destroyed... it must be those dastardly Romulans we've been foreshadowing for many weeks now. Let's spend much of the episode travelling at warp speed and talking about meeting with them, while spending all of our screen time dealing with defrosted humans causing all sorts of mischief. But wait, a Romulan vessel is uncloaking - surely the story is going to get exciting now! Ah no, we'll just have a little chat and then go our separate ways. Thrilling stuff.

Words

"Well we won't be inviting these Romulans to our party, will we"... Indeed we won't.

This episode suffers enormously from the writer's strike, which blighted the end of season one and the start of season two. Originally, this was the first of three episodes that would both re-introduce the Romulans and debut a new deadly threat, ending in a new alliance to defeat the Big Bad. In fact, this story does eventually sort of come about at the end of season 3 in a form that all TNG fans will know: "The Best of Both Worlds". But there was no Borg at this point in the production history of the show... only the idea of bringing back the Romulans really survives from the original concept, and so we end up with a fairly pedestrian bottle show instead.

The centrepiece words in this script are supposed to be 'Romulans' and 'Neutral Zone'... but this part of the story does so little work that it all falls spectacularly flat. Rather, it's all about 'cryonics'. I find it hilarious that the writers want to mock the naivety of the twentieth century humans at being so afraid of death as to freeze themselves in the hope of being revived later. Because let's be frank, that is precisely what happens in this story - so doesn't this vindicate the logic of cryonics that we're supposed to believe was irrational…?

And what exactly is a 'low-mileage pit woofie', you might be wondering...? Well, what a 'groupie' is to rock and roll, a 'pit woofie' is to stock car racing... I hope that’s all I need say about that.

Acting Roles

There's a fair amount of charm in the guest stars, even if Gracie Harrison’s Clare Raymond is given a subplot that is disappointingly... domestic.

Harrison is okay in the role, and she gives Marina Sirtis' Troi an actual counselling situation for a change. But in calling her a 'homemaker' and focussing her story on her children, we play into all sorts of gender stereotypes. If you’re lucky enough to have the original cut, though, you can find some amusing Easter Eggs in Clare Raymond’s family tree, which apparently includes William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton, and all the other Doctor Who actors through to the sixth.

There's nothing wrong with Clare Raymond’s story, per se, so much as it comes across as sexist because the other two popsicles have more interesting tales to tell.

Peter Mark Richman's Ralph Offenhouse serves the same intended purpose as the Ferengi earlier in the season: to lampoon the absurdity of capitalism. Richman works very well in this role, even if it amounts to his character just being annoyingly smug. It’s fitting, therefore, that in the showdown with the Romulans he is the one to point out their gruff arrogance.

Leon Rippy's L.Q. "Sonny" Clemonds brings the most fun to the story, with a bucket full o' homespun homilies and Nashvillian swagger. He pairs well with Brent Spiner's Data, even if - as is the problem with the episode as a whole - nothing much actually happens. I mean, the big moments are replicating a martini and a guitar. This is not the hallmark of a narrative masterpiece.

You might not be aware that Rippy has a link to another sci-fi franchise: in the 1994 movie Stargate, he plays General West, who is effectively in charge of the Stargate programme (essentially the prototype for Don Davis' General Hammond).

The screenplay for this episode included a scene where Wesley Crusher replicates Clemond's guitar that was cut from the final show:

43A INT. SONNY'S QUARTERS

WESLEY and Sonny. Sonny sits picking his guitar. Wesley sits across from him, staring.

SONNY I just can't believe this. When that android fella said you could duplicate this baby, I didn't dream you'd do such a bang-up job... You like country?

WESLEY Excuse me?

SONNY Picking and strummin', son. What about rock?

WESLEY What about rock?

SONNY What's the matter, kid? You look like you're staring at a ghost.

WESLEY Well, sir, you were dead for over three-hundred years...

SONNY How 'bout rhythm and blues? That comes back every decade or so.

Wesley continues to stare. He could just as soon be looking at a dinosaur.

Not sure we needed this, and any splice that leaves Wesley on the cutting room floor has to be a good one!

But the marquee guest star this week is notable not because of anything in this story, but for things yet to come. The two Romulans are played by Anthony James and Marc Alaimo - the latter of which is a major figure in 20th century Star Trek, since he is the actor who will go on to play the magnificent Gul Dukat in DS9.

This was not, in fact, Alaimo's first TNG role as he played one of the Anticans in “Lonely Among Us”, albeit without an on screen credit. He returns twice more in TNG, once to play Gul Macet in "The Wounded", which first introduces the Cardassian race he is most associated with, and then again as the gambler Frederick La Rouque in "Time's Arrow".

I think he might be the only actor in Trek history to debut two different races in the same show (the returning Romulans in this episode, and the first appearance of the Cardassians in season 4) although this is about as pointless a claim as could be made about anything!

Models, Make-up, and Mattes

The writers may be on strike, but the model makers are on magnificent form! To start with, there's this great opening shot of the 'ancient capsule'. Behind the scenes, this seems to have been called the "SS Birdseye" (freshly frozen produce!), and you can just about see in this shot that it is inscribed with the registry 4077, a reference to the movie and TV show M*A*S*H*.

But the absolute star of this episode is the glorious debut of the Romulan Warbird. Okay, it's not even called a 'Warbird' yet (much less a 'B-type' or 'D'deridex' class) - the script just called it 'Romulan Cruiser' - but still, this is my favourite spaceship studio miniature of all time.

It's so great, let's have a GIF of it very, very slowly uncloaking!

It’s a stupidly long shot even after I’ve edited out all the reaction shots showing everyone in awe of what they’re seeing… which for the cast, was a completely blank screen of course. It’s more than 20 seconds from the first decloak to the commercial break. I humbly submit that if the decloak took this long, there would be plenty of time to shoot unshielded Warbirds and the Romulans would be a military joke, but let’s chalk this up to dramatic license and look the other way.

As disappointingly flat as this episode feels as a season finale, it does have brilliant model shots in it, and of course, we'll be seeing that Warbird stock footage many times, in much better episodes, as the show progresses. Welcome to the franchise, Romulan Warbird! We’ll see you again in just two episodes time.